(Warning: This article does contain some actual tips on how to deal with a break up like a successful adult but is not entirely serious in either title or tone)
So. Here you are. All by yourself. Newly single. Whatever happened, whether you’re the dumped or dumper, break ups suck. But there are steps you can take — things you can do to feel better.
And one of the most important things to do right now, with your broken heart?
Winning the break up.
For those of you who do not watch How I Met Your Mother or are not truly awful human beings, winning the break up is derived from the principle that there is one loser and one winner in a break-up. The person whose life is better quicker after the break-up, wins.
Sounds good, right? Feeling emotionally and morally superior to someone you used to love is a great and constructive way to deal with a break-up. /sarcasm
Now, as you can see in the picture I am clearly coping REALLY well. Plus, I look GREAT.
So I’ve already won.
However, if you’re not so lucky, and still out there still trying to win the break-up, here’s a couple of tips. This is how to drive the victory home and how to win the break up like a boss.
1 ACTUALLY DEAL WITH THE BREAK UP. Revolutionary, I know. But one of the dumbest things you can do is bury whatever you’re thinking and feeling. You gotta face it, all of it. You broke up with someone. Your life is now (radically) changed, in terms of scenery, cast and setting. Maybe the break up was kind of gruesome.
You gotta work through your shit. Go through whatever you need to go through. Talk, cry, write, spend time alone, go for long walks or runs to clear your head.
Don’t throw distractions, alcohol or drugs on top of your emotions and your toppled down romantic life. Those are fun, do whatever you want in a while, but deal first.
2 DON’T BACKSLIDE. Don’t backslide into your ex’s arms or bed. You broke up for a reason, and this does not help you move on.
I don’t think fucking an ex is a good idea. I don’t backslide. There’s no point to it in my opinion. When we’re done, we’re done.
So as much as I can appreciate Will’s aesthetic, he’s off my to-do list.
3 DON’T SMACK TALK YOUR EX. You want to really be a good person? Try not to talk shit about the person who broke your heart. Good luck, but pay attention to what you say about your ex. Don’t let your emotions turn your words all bitter and nasty.
…But if you must, do it somewhere nobody but your best friend can hear you.
(Maybe like that Gone Girl scene where Amy makes Nick stand under the shower so they can’t be overheard. Save water, shower with a friend and talk trash about your ex. What’s not to love?)
On that note,but so important it deserves its own separate point:
4 DON’T BE THAT PERSON ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Read this as often as you need to get it burned into your brain:
NO passive aggressive Facebook statuses.
NO (re)tweets that are CLEARLY about your ex.
NO Instagram hashtags like #lovethesinglelife or #livingwithmybitches #live
NO inspirational quotes that are CLEARLY only for the purpose of showing off how ENLIGHTENED and EVOLVED you are now and how much you learned from your struggles and how much better you’ve come out of the experience YOU’RE FOOLING NO ONE FUCKING STOP IT.
What I’m trying to say is, keep it offline. It’s not like you can never say anything about it ever, but IF you do? Aim for funny, lighthearted and always always always: Respectful and not hurtful.
Best of my Break Up Tweets:
I see Will tonight and he asked me what time he could come over so I said “after my Abercrombe & Fitch model bootycall is gone”
— Lianne (@selfhelphipster) December 24, 2014
Merry Christmas! Breakfast and then finding an outfit that says “don’t cry grandma” and “waiter please hit on me to make me feel better”
— Lianne (@selfhelphipster) December 25, 2014
Conversations with people who invite me to parties: pic.twitter.com/WFyDO5kaga
— Lianne (@selfhelphipster) December 22, 2014
5 SELF CARE Sweetie, now is not the time to treat yourself like a disposable garbage bag. You need to self care and here’s why.
One, you’re already vulnerable because of your emotional state. If you also add zero sleep, junk food and no movement to that equation, you’re bound to feel even worse — or get sick! Stress and sadness wreck havoc on your immune system!
Second, you’re on your own now. You have to be the one to take care of your basic needs, regardless of who is with or round you. Your best friend or your mom can’t be there all the time to force-feed you.
So do it yourself. Make sleeping, eating and exercising a number one for a while. Add fun, social things when you’re ready. Take good care of you.
6 LOOK GOOD Just like now is not the time to treat yourself like a disposable garbage bag, it’s not the time to look like one either.
NOT because you immediately need to attract replacements. This is about YOU. Now more than ever, you need to feel good about yourself, in as many ways as possible. Reconnect to your Awesomeness, if you will.
And if you look in the mirror and see yourself with dead eyes in a tired face, unwashed hair spilling over a chili-stained shirt, that’s no confidence boost whatsoever.
Spend a little time in front of the mirror. Slap on a little lipstick. Blow dry your hair the way you like it best. Wear things that make you feel comfortable but attractive. (I’ve been rocking the Snuggly Sweater look like nobody’s business this month.)
7 ADOPT THE I-PERSPECTIVE ASAP. Stop saying ‘we’, start saying ‘I’. The longer you’ve been together, the harder it is, which is why you need to start practicing with this straight away. Train your I-sentences. No more “we liked this” or ‘we used to do this’. It’s “I like turtles” or “I do really weird shit on the Internet”.
Plus, look at things from the I-perspective too. What do I want to do, tonight, tomorrow, next month or next year? Really reason from your own ambitions and desires and do exactly whatever the fuck YOU want to do.