Greetings and love to you, random Internet citizen. This is me in my study room in our apartment, wearing Manfriend’s Alpaca wool hoodie*. No, I haven’t showered yet. Yes, that IS mascara under my eyes, thank you for noticing. Sloth becomes me.
Anyway. There is a few things you only really discover once you’re in a hole you dug for yourself…and something you learn when you start climbing out of it.
One, I use humor as a coping mechanism. Apparently I’m of the philosophy “if you’re miserable, at least try to be funny so you don’t completely repel your social environment and have to stay home alone forever”. Seems to have worked so far because I still get invited to go places. 10/10, would recommend.
Two, everyone’s life looks fabulous and amazing on the Internet. Good for you, really, but everybody blogs/tweets/Instagrams ALL the work-outs, ALL the events, ALL the friends and ALL the healthy foods. To me personally, it looks like one giant blur of the same things repeated over and over in different outfits.
I’m not hating — I’m real happy for you and imma let you finish but honestly I am just REALLY happy I no longer feel like staying in bed with chocolate, Supernatural episodes and emo music. Score, but not very tweetable. Hence, I don’t tweet or IG very often.
Three, after a while of focusing on functioning, doing what I like and not having to do so much anymore, things are getting a little better. My general sense of happiness has climbed from a 4 or 5 on good days to somewhere around 7, and even 8 on really good ones.
But most importantly, I have found an interesting thing called acceptance. I don’t know where I picked it up, but all of a sudden I looked and it was just there. I truly am okay, and actually quite content with the current state of affairs.
So what I am not as hysterically happy and inspired as I used to be. At least I don’t want to throw myself off a cliff (anymore). At least I am functional. At least I can write a little when I want to. At least I have managed to stay pleasant to the people around me.
And I’m not less of a person just because I’m not euphoric and zesty. The person that I am now is fine too. A little rougher around the edges, but just as good a heart and kind a soul. Maybe even a little wiser.
And so what I’m not exercising as I used to? Right now, I just do some yoga here and there — and unenthusiastically at that**. But I don’t care. The amount of work-outs I do and my amount of body fat/weight does not define me. My body is fine as it is and I have decided to love it. If I gain a little bit of weight I will still love it. I will go back to being the enthusiastic yogi when I’m ready for it.
And okay, maybe things aren’t brilliant. Or amazing. Or glamorous. I am not living out all of my dreams. But I am living, and that’s wonderful enough. I’m thankful for everything I have. I already have so much.
A roof over my head, family and friends that love me no matter how cranky I can be, food in the fridge. A job that I love, a job at all for that matter. The fact that people still like to read my blog and still comment while I’m being a sulky weirdo is astounding to me (thanks).
Over these past few months, I got to know myself better. Or maybe I just forgot about some important parts and got to know myself again. Whatever the semantics, I do know this. Who I am, happy or unhappy version, is absolutely good enough for me.
A little while back, I was at a festival with Angel***, my best friend from high school and she inquired if I had started liking myself again. That day, I told her ‘no’. No, I had not started liking myself again yet.
Today, sitting in front of my laptop in my boyfriend’s hoodie, I can finally tell her, and all of you, ‘yes’. Thumbs up and Namaste.
you don’t follow me on Twitter and Instagram you are not obsessed with me and haven’t seen the one or two tweets/pics I posted about this, my manfriend was traveling through South America for six weeks. Now he’s back and he brought crazy amounts of Alpaca wool stuff. Next to joy of having the Manfriend himself around, the super warm blankets, scarfs and hoodies he brought back with him are bringing me TREMENDOUS joy in these times or rain and disappointing temperatures.
**I watch tv while I do yoga and the last few Savasanahs I was in I ended up playing Angry Birds. And I don’t even like Angry Birds anymore.
***Don’t worry, she’s not a stripper. I always called her that on-line because she is so pure and good at heart. This was before I realized it made her sound like butt glitter and see-through stilettos.