Hi! Do you have a pumpkin?
And too much time on your hands?
Are you a white girl who is obsessed with pumpkin spice latte?
Are you any other person who is obsessed with pumpkin spice lattes?
Boy, do I have a treat for you. In 19 ridiculous steps and about 3,5 hours, you can bake a delicious pumpkin pie WITH pumpkin spice.
STEP 1: Pose with the unsuspecting pumpkin that you’re about to slaughter.
THE REAL STEP 1: Completely copy this recipe by Jamie Oliver but add a fuckton of pumpkin spice to the pie filling. God, I’m genius. Where is my cook book deal?
STEP 2: Get the ingredients for the pie base. Do not fuck around and do the whole thing full-fat.
- 250+ grams of flour
- 50 grams of confectioner’s sugar
- a dash of full fat milk
- 125 grams of real butter
- an organic free range egg to make up for the rest of the recipe’s animal abuse
STEP 3: Get the ingredients for the pumpkin pie filling.
- half a litre of full fat milk
- 200 grams of brown sugar
- a vanilla pod
- a fuck ton of pumpkin spice
- two more organic free range eggs (not pictured because it’s not a real Self Help Hipster recipe if I don’t fuck up something)
STEP 4: Put the flour and the confectioner’s sugar in a bowl. Whisk it around a bit because you were supposed to sift it but you were too lazy to do that.
STEP 5: Cut the butter up in little squares and kneed it through the flour-sugar mix. Really get your hands in there. Add the splash of milk and the egg until you have a ball of dough.
STEP 6: Because you have nothing else to do today or in life, roll the dough into a flat circle and put it in the fridge for 30 minutes.
STEP 7: Get it out, put in the pie form thing. You’re supposed to stick the thing in the freezer, but my freezer was full with leftovers and hearts of my enemies. I just put in the fridge again.
STEP 8: Preheat the oven to 200 degrees and bake the pie crust for 30 minutes.
STEP 9: After that, bake the pie crust blind for 20 minutes.
(STEP 10: Because you’re not Martha Stewart, google what THE FUCK it means to blind-bake something.)
STEP 11: Try to cut your pumpkin and fail miserably. Get your boyfriend to do it and then get a million helpful tips you actually did get once before but totally forgot about. Make sure all the pumpkin pieces are nice and small.
STEP 12: Put the pumpkin in a pan with the brown sugar, the vanilla pod, the pumpkin spice and the milk. Cook on moderate heat for about 30 minutes, or until the pumpkin is soft and well-cooked.
STEP 13: Get the vanilla pod out of the mixture.
STEP 14: Put the pumpkin mix in the blender because you may or may not have broken your mixer in a previous cooking adventure.
STEP 15: Because Jamie Oliver thinks we have all day to do this shit, now we have to wait for everything to cool off.
STEP 16: Add the two eggs to the pumpkin pie filling.
STEP 17: Preheat the oven to 200 degrees and put the pumpkin pie in the oven for 45 minutes.
STEP 18: Get the pie out and stick a fork in it to see if the filling is good and baked.
STEP 19: Serve with whipped cream.
STEP 20: Eat pumpkin pie with your coffee for the rest of the week, because you only live with your boyfriend and you don’t give a flying fuck about getting fat.
And there you have it. A delicious pumpkin pie with pumpkin spice, that takes way too much time and effort, but that is SO good I am making it again tomorrow.