How To Win At Sex

So. You’ve won the breakup, you have won at dating, and your date is really cute and into you. Now you want to make out with his face and maybe climb him like a tree.

Or make out with her face and climb her like a girl-tree. Whatever way you’re swinging.

I’m here to help you do that successfully.

ALERT ALERT Parents, cousins, uncles, distant relatives, family in law: Today, you do not click the Read More-button. We can find plenty of other ways to make Sunday brunches and family reunions really awkward. 

WINNING Winning at sex for a girl means completely disregarding your own personal pleasure for the sake of giving a man an orgasm as quickly as possible.

Winning at sex for a guy means fucking her for hours until she is chafed from her knees to her armpits and sounds like a Halloween Horror Sound Machine.

Except not at all.

Please stop. At both those things.

The complete lack of common sense, interpersonal connection and basic knowledge of sex I sometimes (over)hear concerns me.

Let’s start with the basics.

FIRST You want to have sex with this person, and this person wants to have sex with you too.

Maybe because you’re in love. Or because you’re dating and you think it’s smart to have sex before marriage so you’re not stuck with someone who turns out to be exclusively into midget porn.

Maybe because he is really attractive and you want to see him naked. Because she is gorgeous and you like her. Because there is nothing on TV. Because she does a thing where she bites your neck that gets you going. There’s tons of different reasons to have sex with someone (click).

If you’re both consenting adults who are in the mood, have at it. Just try not to wake up the neighbours. The most important part about sex, with anyone, is that you feel comfortable with that person.

USE YOUR HEAD Doesn’t mean you should have sex with just about everybody.

I’m not going to tell you ‘YOU ARE A FREE AND STRONG WOMAN HAVE SEX WITH WHOEVER YOU WANT.’ That is dumb and dangerous. You might be 14. You might have a weird, inappropriate crush on your retirement-age landlord. You might be ruled by hormones because you haven’t gotten any in a while and it’s making that homeless man look like Ben Affleck.

My favourite advice is ‘Use your head’.

If it’s general opinion that it is a DUMB IDEA to have sex with a person in a category, don’t have sex with them. Like when they’re your best friend’s boyfriend, a person already in a relationship, your boss, your friend’s mom, your teacher, your totally unstable neighbour, your step-whatever: No. Just no.*

Additionally, it should be common sense NOT to fuck someone you do not like as a person. Do not fuck anyone who you think is mean, dumb or crazy. Ever. However long the sex lasts, however good it might be, it’s not going to make up for the drama, annoyance or insanity that might follow after.

BE SAFE Safe sex isn’t that problematic. Stop whining.

FOR GODS SAKE BE SAFE I’m not joking around here. STDs are a real thing, inconvenient pregnancy is a real thing. If you’re having casual sex especially, be safe. If you’re a guy, bring a condom and stop whining. If you’re a girl, bring a condom** and don’t feel demanding or bossy when you tell him to wear one.

Also, get tested. Don’t risk your body and reproductive organs for a dumb boy or dumb girl. Be smart.

PAY ATTENTION AND COMMUNICATE Okay. Consent is clear, the make out session is picking up, nakedness is imminent…now what?

First of all, do different things and see if they like it.

Pay attention to the other person, and you can usually tell what they like. You know, subtle details like a moan, goosebumps, or a scream along the lines of “YES DO THAT AGAIN PLEASE” – that kind of thing.

If you can’t really read their body language (which is possible when you don’t know each other that well yet!), ask them. Questions like “Do you like this?”, “Tell me what you want?”, “I’d like to do [x] to you, would you like that/is that okay?” are informative, and can be kinda sexy.

Similarly, if they do something that you really like, respond. If you want them to kiss your neck, tell them too. Works both ways.

If they do something you REALLY don’t like, tell them. This experience should be good for you too. If a tongue miles down your ear doesn’t do it for you, tell ’em so and direct to places where their tongue could actually do some good.

BE SELFLESS* It is very nice and satisfying to have the other person feel really, really, really good.

And you can make that happen by paying attention to what they like, learning what makes them feel good, and focusing on them for a while. It’s rewarding.

BE SELFISH Don’t be afraid to ask for what YOU want either. Sex is about two people, and this includes you too (unless you’re watching maybe).

Just because it (generally) takes longer and is a bit more delicate for women than for men does not mean we should forget girl orgasms altogether. Girls, figure out how to get an orgasm. Get your boy- or girlfriend to help you get an orgasm. Let them help you get there. It’s not the most important element of sex, but it is worth exploring.

FIND OUT WHAT YOU (AND YOUR PARTNER) ARE INTO When it comes to sex, you like what you like. It is what it is. If you’re into something weird, be into something weird. As long as you’re not endangering yourself or others in any way, okay. Enjoy it.

Same for your partner. He or she might be into something weird too. There is A LOT of weird stuff out there (Source – NSFW-text: AskReddit, old Askreddit). I mean, there’s a guy who has sex with dragon costumes. People who fantasise about extra body parts, being really small and eaten by other people. There’s people who like it when their partner is talking in GERMAN. People are SICK.

(Kidding. No kink shaming here. Not even the talking in German one.)

There’s a world of possibilities out there. Communication and an open mind can go a long way when it comes to a happy, healthy sex life.

EXPAND YOUR HORIZONS And if you want to extend your repertoire or mix it up for a night, webshops have you covered.

I honestly do not understand why this is not more of a thing within my age group. There is no need to shuffle around awkwardly in sex shops. You can buy so much awesome stuff online, that can help you feel sexy, have an orgasm, or just spice up your personal life.

Most important message to take away from this article?

Sex is fun, do it with someone you like, connect, communicate and be open-minded.

Big shout out to the photographer. It’s not every day you get asked by your girlfriend to take pictures of her in a black nightie and handcuffs ‘for a thing’…and then it actually turns out to be for a thing.

(Author’s note: There are certain situations and issues, like trauma or vaginism or problems in the relationship that can make sex a problematic thing: Please take care of yourself, your body and your relationship. Go see a doctor, therapist, talk to your significant other or a combo of all three. Hugs.)

*I know you’re not going to listen to this advice, because you’re in love, you’re horny or you think that “this situation is different” and “he/she is different”, but doesn’t mean I’m not right. It’s still a dumb idea. 

**Yes, you too. FEMINISM. 

***I like it when they scream my name. It’s the narcissist in me.