I got a question and it was basically this: “okay, there’s this really hot guy at school and I totally dig his proverbial (and who knows, one day literal) pants off: What do I do to make him my boyfriend? Because you know, a relationship that happens completely in your own head isn’t all that anyway.”
Well, sweetpeas, allow the Self Help Granny to talk to you about this. I’m going to be one part Agony Aunt, one part Self Help Nut and a little bit like your totally unhelpful grandmother. Sorry about that. To make up for it, I have given you The Biebs to look at.
I figured I’d get the Granny part out of the way immediately: looks say zip about how great an idea it is for you to start dating someone. Gorgeous face does not mean gorgeous personality and even if it does, it does not mean gorgeous compatibility between the two of you! Before current boyfriend I dated a divine-looking man who was funny,smart and chewed with his mouth closed, but it was not a love connection at all. We were just not compatible.
Someone may look like someone you want to be with and you might like their personality just fine, but sometimes it just won’t work. Or their laziness, control issues or basically just different ambitions from yours can still mean a relationship is not a good idea. That’s not necessarily because they’re jerks. Even though you might like them on both the out- and inside…sometimes there’s just not a good fit. Just a heads’ up.
So you want to be in a relationship with him/her/it? That’s very nice, dear, but there is a lot more to romance and relationship than you deciding that you want them. For one thing, what do they want? What do they need? What would be good for them, not you? These things can be so fundamentally different that based on this alone a relationship is doomed to fail.
Not always! If you have to offer what they want, need and what is good for them, a relationship might be a very good idea and beneficial for you both. However, it might be a good idea to figure that out first, not later. Which brings me onto my next point.
Just because you’d really like that cute guy to be your Mister Perfect, doesn’t mean he is. This is not just applicable to boyfriends and girlfriends, but also to friends, project partners, roommates and business associates. People are what they are. The moment we project our idealized ideas onto them, we’re setting ourselves up for disappointment later on; even when they meet our expectations now, they’re bound to let us down later. Accepting people for what they are, even the parts you don’t particularly like, saves you from that let down.*
That people aren’t exactly the Tumblr-GIF inspired picture perfect you painted in your head doesn’t mean they cannot be great! That really hot guy might actually be a wonderful person, but not just because he look like boyfriend material, but because he’s funny and a great listener. That girl in class might really be a valuable addition to your circle of friends. If you never try, you never know. So find out! Talk to people; I mean all sorts of people! Even people you normally wouldn’t go upto. Ask them about themselves (we all like to talk about ourselves), connect, share interest. It will enrich your life.
So. You still want to know to get the hot guy? Be yourself. Don’t expect a weekend in Paris and a wedding proposal before you’re even friends. Accept him for who he is and think about what you can offer each other. Get to know him. If you still want him to be your boyfriend, we can talk about that later.
*This does not mean you should settle for less than you deserve or stay in a bad relationship for that reason of ‘accepting someone as they are’. Use your head.