About Gut (Feeling) and (Weird) Glory.

4-up on 2013-01-16 at 15.25 #2

Not gonna lie, you guys – had a weird and rough couple of days. Now, if I was writing this blog as my 18-year old self, a supercandid oversharer, I would always give you all the ins and outs about my mishaps. I know that shit is interesting to a lot of people, and when I was younger I would have satisfied your curiosity up to a point where you’d be craving a smoke and putting me on speed-dial. But no more.

I have gotten a lot more private over the years. I don’t run a personal blog anymore. Also, no offense, I totally love most of you but as Tessa from Retail has said “75% of people are crazy. I don’t have time to get their Facebook details from them and be friends with them, so I’m just gonna have to play it safe.”

However, you can’t really avoid talking about yourself and your life when you’re running a blog on self help and self development. If you wanna make it useful, you’re going to have to share stuff about said self. Even, or maybe especially, when things aren’t going so well. So that’s what I’m doing. Because this self had a shit weekend!

Here’s the thing. I usually successfully pull off things I want to do. Sorry if me saying that pisses you off. I admit, it is partially me being an arrogant dick (sorry), but it’s also pretty simple: I know which things to pursue. I know my strengths and weaknesses, and am pretty honest about them, leading me to the right endeavors. Plus, my intuition is usually pretty decent and I tend to listen to it. Obviously those two things bring down the failure rate. I know the areas to be in, and I usually sense if I should do something or not. Usually, not always.Β 

Because I accepted a teaching position that I thought was a good idea, but last week when I truly experienced what I had to be doing and was going to deal with two days a week for six months I knew (felt) that it wasn’t. I honestly did not know that I could pull it off, but even if I could have done so with a lot of stress and effort, I really didn’t want to. It didn’t feel right at all. I am not right for that anymore. I think reiki has made me too sensitive and my current line of work has made me too reasonable.

And my intuition started ringing all kinds of alarm bells. Like loud, making-your-ears-bleed kind of alarm bells. Originally I still wanted to give it a shot because I’m hardly the quitting-kind, but I just couldn’t. The thought of going through with that made me sick to my stomach. I can’t explain it any other way than that everything inside me rebelled against that very notion. I couldn’t eat, slept terribly, it was on my mind every moment I didn’t distract myself and I just felt so anxious and awful. It has been a long time since I felt that deeply unhappy as I did this weekend. I am usually pretty damn giddy with happiness, but this weekend I was reduced to a stressed miserable little heap of human.

And as I continued to feel terrible, and grew more sure and sure that this was not the right thing for me, I did quit. I broke the news on Sunday to the people who needed to know — lucky for me, they were very sympathetic about it. Tuesday I only went back as a favor to finish up some work, and after that I was done. Cue major relief. I wish it had been different, but I’m a 100% sure that it was the right decision. The entire time. My gut could not have made that anymore clear Β that this was not where I was supposed to be. In fact, it was so bad that whenever I was lost in thought or distracted, I would literally say ‘no’ or ‘I don’t want to do this’ out loud. I caught myself doing that a couple of times this weekend. How freaky is that?

It sucked, sure. But possibly, it was a really strong anti-response to me getting off track, just to make sure I will stay on track. And now more than ever, I intend to. After feeling so horrible, I am so happy and grateful for how my life looks. My job as well as all the other fun and amazing things I get to do, and now I’m all the more motivated to keep it that way.

Also, it’s not all bad. I got a kick ass opportunity at the university I work at, and now I can spend my undivided attention on. Both skill and intuition tells me I can pull that off. Oh look, the arrogance is already showing. Guess I’m bouncing back already.

The lesson in all this? Always walk your own path, and always trust your gut. Even -or especially- when it tells you to retreat. Even when it’s messy and uncomfortable. Even when it doesn’t lead you to a glorious and victorious ending.

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  1. Haha. You are too funny. My 18-year-old self would TOTALLY want to know all the ins and outs of your mishaps, but my 29-year-old self is totally okay with you not (over-)sharing all details. I am sorry about your terrible weekend and that job, but good for you on quitting. Sometimes it is just really good to listen to know ourselves and listen to our gut feelings. The past year I also ended up quitting a job that was just not right for me in so many ways and made me feel miserable. Being able to pull it off or not was not even the main problem anymore, but simply feeling unhappy. Quitting was amazing. I don’t even like the word quitting. But simply leaving something ‘not right’ that makes us feel terrible behind to choose something ‘right’ instead or simply continue the discovery of finding what is really in line with the interest of our heart can be so liberating. Hope your ‘kick ass university opportunity’ treats you better πŸ™‚

  2. Dapper dat je dit hebt opgeschreven, ik heb in een gelijksoortige situatie gezeten (ook onderwijs) maar bij mij duurde het wel langer. Het was een hele opluchting toen ik eindelijk een beslissing had genomen om te voorkomen dat ik in een burnout terecht zou komen. Knap dat je de knoop hebt doorgehakt en dat je ook blogt over de ‘mindere’ dingen, want die horen er ook bij.

  3. You go girl! Lots of women (including me) would have been stuck until the end as we women tend to be suckers for responsibility to others, and would have been unhappy until the end of the project. Intuition rocks when you learn to listen to it. I ended my relationship after years about a topic that showed itself in the first week of our relationship. I remember my intuition saying: ‘run the hell away from this’, and I didn’t. So yeah, intuition rocks but our rationality and emotions often get in the way. Amazing that you listened to it as we all should.

  4. Heel herkenbaar! Ik kwam ook terecht in een baan waar ik helemaal niet gelukkig was en waarbij ik ook de hele tijd dacht van ‘zal het beter worden als ik hier langer werk of zal ik er nu vast mee stoppen’. Uiteindelijk ging ik me ook zo ongelukkig voelen en ging het zo mijn leven beheersen dat ik toch na 5 weken de knoop heb doorgehakt, met mijn baas heb gesproken en na de 6e week acuut mijn contract heb beeindigd. Ongelofelijk gevoel daarna, het voelde lichamelijk ook echt alsof er letterlijk een enorme last van mijn schouders viel. Zoveel meer energie. Uiteindelijk heeft het 2 maanden geduurd voor ik nieuwe baan had maar ben daarin nu zoveel gelukkiger. Blijkbaar is het soms nodig om even heel hard geconfronteerd te worden met het feit dat je nu eenmaal niet altijd in een keer de juiste beslissing neemt en dat het soms beter is om dat dan aan jezelf toe te geven. Of zoals moeder van een vriendinnetje zei: Beter ten halve gekeerd dan ten hele gedwaald. Stoere beslissing meis!

    1. Ik heb je “Beter ten halve gekeerd dan ten hele gedwaald” nog vaak gequote nadat ik hem had gelezen: Thank you!

  5. Goed dat je naar je intuitie hebt geluisterd. Heb ik ook gedaan laatst, toen ik aan mijn master begon. Na twee weken wist ik al: neh, dit wordt ‘m niet. Na nog twee weken ben ik gekapt. Beste beslissing van mijn leven. Vroeger had ik het genant gevonden en mezelf gezien als een quitter, nu was het gewoon een kwestie van luisteren naar mijn gevoel. Stoppen met iets vergt veel moed. En <3 dat je dit deelt; heb laatst een paar blogs uit mijn rss feed gekickt omdat het alleen maar hossana was en zo is het leven gewoon niet. Kreeg er geen goed gevoel meer van om ze te lezen. Succes met alles!

  6. Oooo wat ben ik blij eigenlijk dit te lezen (nee, niet als in leedvermaak). Het bewijst inderdaad maar dat je eigenlijk naar je intuitie moet luisteren. Ik had hetzelfde met een vak dat ik volgde voor m’n bachelor scriptie. Ik voelde mij er zo ontzettend klote bij (niet slapen, zware hartkloppingen en soort van depressieve gevoelens) aangezien het niet viel binnen mijn studie geschiedenis. Ergens wist ik dat ik gewoon moest stoppen met dat vak, maar ik hou niet van opgeven. Uiteindelijk ben ik wel gestopt en alle symptomen en problemen verdwenen als sneeuw voor de zon! Ik heb weer geleerd dat ik altijd naar m’n gevoel moet luisteren en reacties (behalve keihard genegeerd worden van de twee docenten die het vak gaven) waren allemaal positief!
    Vind het super tof dat je dit deelt en dat je de beslissing genomen hebt waar je je goed bij voelt uiteindelijk! πŸ™‚ Sommige dingen lopen gewoon niet altijd zoals je zou willen, gelukkig maar ook (maakt het leven wel wat leuker eigenlijk). Fijn weekend!

  7. Thumbs up and thanks for sharing this.
    I’ve had a similar experience too. It happened twice that I quit a job after only two weeks. Totally not my style to give up on things so quickly, but as you say, can’t ignore the alarm bells! No reason to be ashamed for. And… it opens up for new opportunities (that ALWAYS exist, even though at that very moment it seems as if they don’t). Now I have a great job where I really feel “at home”, which of course wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t quit the other jobs.
    Especially careerwise sometimes it seems as if we all have to fit in a certain profile…but one person can be very different from the other, in many different ways (which the job description or employer doesn’t care about). Just find your strenghts, know yourself and you’ll find something that’s good and beneficial to YOU.