Not gonna lie, you guys – had a weird and rough couple of days. Now, if I was writing this blog as my 18-year old self, a supercandid oversharer, I would always give you all the ins and outs about my mishaps. I know that shit is interesting to a lot of people, and when I was younger I would have satisfied your curiosity up to a point where you’d be craving a smoke and putting me on speed-dial. But no more.
I have gotten a lot more private over the years. I don’t run a personal blog anymore. Also, no offense, I totally love most of you but as Tessa from Retail has said “75% of people are crazy. I don’t have time to get their Facebook details from them and be friends with them, so I’m just gonna have to play it safe.”
However, you can’t really avoid talking about yourself and your life when you’re running a blog on self help and self development. If you wanna make it useful, you’re going to have to share stuff about said self. Even, or maybe especially, when things aren’t going so well. So that’s what I’m doing. Because this self had a shit weekend!
Here’s the thing. I usually successfully pull off things I want to do. Sorry if me saying that pisses you off. I admit, it is partially me being an arrogant dick (sorry), but it’s also pretty simple: I know which things to pursue. I know my strengths and weaknesses, and am pretty honest about them, leading me to the right endeavors. Plus, my intuition is usually pretty decent and I tend to listen to it. Obviously those two things bring down the failure rate. I know the areas to be in, and I usually sense if I should do something or not. Usually, not always.
Because I accepted a teaching position that I thought was a good idea, but last week when I truly experienced what I had to be doing and was going to deal with two days a week for six months I knew (felt) that it wasn’t. I honestly did not know that I could pull it off, but even if I could have done so with a lot of stress and effort, I really didn’t want to. It didn’t feel right at all. I am not right for that anymore. I think reiki has made me too sensitive and my current line of work has made me too reasonable.
And my intuition started ringing all kinds of alarm bells. Like loud, making-your-ears-bleed kind of alarm bells. Originally I still wanted to give it a shot because I’m hardly the quitting-kind, but I just couldn’t. The thought of going through with that made me sick to my stomach. I can’t explain it any other way than that everything inside me rebelled against that very notion. I couldn’t eat, slept terribly, it was on my mind every moment I didn’t distract myself and I just felt so anxious and awful. It has been a long time since I felt that deeply unhappy as I did this weekend. I am usually pretty damn giddy with happiness, but this weekend I was reduced to a stressed miserable little heap of human.
And as I continued to feel terrible, and grew more sure and sure that this was not the right thing for me, I did quit. I broke the news on Sunday to the people who needed to know — lucky for me, they were very sympathetic about it. Tuesday I only went back as a favor to finish up some work, and after that I was done. Cue major relief. I wish it had been different, but I’m a 100% sure that it was the right decision. The entire time. My gut could not have made that anymore clear that this was not where I was supposed to be. In fact, it was so bad that whenever I was lost in thought or distracted, I would literally say ‘no’ or ‘I don’t want to do this’ out loud. I caught myself doing that a couple of times this weekend. How freaky is that?
It sucked, sure. But possibly, it was a really strong anti-response to me getting off track, just to make sure I will stay on track. And now more than ever, I intend to. After feeling so horrible, I am so happy and grateful for how my life looks. My job as well as all the other fun and amazing things I get to do, and now I’m all the more motivated to keep it that way.
Also, it’s not all bad. I got a kick ass opportunity at the university I work at, and now I can spend my undivided attention on. Both skill and intuition tells me I can pull that off. Oh look, the arrogance is already showing. Guess I’m bouncing back already.
The lesson in all this? Always walk your own path, and always trust your gut. Even -or especially- when it tells you to retreat. Even when it’s messy and uncomfortable. Even when it doesn’t lead you to a glorious and victorious ending.