How To Win The Break Up

winning the break up nailed it jpg

NAILED IT.

(Warning: This article does contain some actual tips on how to deal with a break up like a successful adult but is not entirely serious in either title or tone)

So. Here you are. All by yourself. Newly single. Whatever happened, whether you’re the dumped or dumper, break ups suck. But there are steps you can take — things you can do to feel better.

And one of the most important things to do right now, with your broken heart?

Winning the break up.

For those of you who do not watch How I Met Your Mother or are not truly awful human beings, winning the break up is derived from the principle that there is one loser and one winner in a break-up. The person whose life is better quicker after the break-up, wins.

Sounds good, right? Feeling emotionally and morally superior to someone you used to love is a great and constructive way to deal with a break-up. /sarcasm

Now, as you can see in the picture I am clearly coping REALLY well. Plus, I look GREAT.

So I’ve already won.

However, if you’re not so lucky, and still out there still trying to win the break-up, here’s a couple of tips. This is how to drive the victory home and how to win the break up like a boss.

1 ACTUALLY DEAL WITH THE BREAK UP. Revolutionary, I know. But one of the dumbest things you can do is bury whatever you’re thinking and feeling. You gotta face it, all of it. You broke up with someone. Your life is now (radically) changed, in terms of scenery, cast and setting. Maybe the break up was kind of gruesome.

You gotta work through your shit. Go through whatever you need to go through. Talk, cry, write, spend time alone, go for long walks or runs to clear your head.

Don’t throw distractions, alcohol or drugs on top of your emotions and your toppled down romantic life. Those are fun, do whatever you want in a while, but deal first.

2 DON’T BACKSLIDE. Don’t backslide into your ex’s arms or bed. You broke up for a reason, and this does not help you move on.

I don’t think fucking an ex is a good idea. I don’t backslide. There’s no point to it in my opinion. When we’re done, we’re done.

So as much as I can appreciate Will’s aesthetic, he’s off my to-do list.

3 DON’T SMACK TALK YOUR EX. You want to really be a good person? Try not to talk shit about the person who broke your heart. Good luck, but pay attention to what you say about your ex. Don’t let your emotions turn your words all bitter and nasty.

…But if you must, do it somewhere nobody but your best friend can hear you.

(Maybe like that Gone Girl scene where Amy makes Nick stand under the shower so they can’t be overheard. Save water, shower with a friend and talk trash about your ex. What’s not to love?)

On that note,but so important it deserves its own separate point:

4 DON’T BE THAT PERSON ON SOCIAL MEDIA. Read this as often as you need to get it burned into your brain:

NO passive aggressive Facebook statuses.

NO (re)tweets that are CLEARLY about your ex.

NO Instagram hashtags like #lovethesinglelife or #livingwithmybitches #live

NO inspirational quotes that are CLEARLY only for the purpose of showing off how ENLIGHTENED and EVOLVED you are now and how much you learned from your struggles and how much better you’ve come out of the experience YOU’RE FOOLING NO ONE FUCKING STOP IT.

Ahem.
What I’m trying to say is, keep it offline. It’s not like you can never say anything about it ever, but IF you do? Aim for funny, lighthearted and always always always: Respectful and not hurtful.

Best of my Break Up Tweets:

5 SELF CARE Sweetie, now is not the time to treat yourself like a disposable garbage bag. You need to self care and here’s why.

One, you’re already vulnerable because of your emotional state. If you also add zero sleep, junk food and no movement to that equation, you’re bound to feel even worse — or get sick! Stress and sadness wreck havoc on your immune system!

Second, you’re on your own now. You have to be the one to take care of your basic needs, regardless of who is with or round you. Your best friend or your mom can’t be there all the time to force-feed you.

So do it yourself. Make sleeping, eating and exercising a number one for a while. Add fun, social things when you’re ready. Take good care of you.

6 LOOK GOOD Just like now is not the time to treat yourself like a disposable garbage bag, it’s not the time to look like one either.

NOT because you immediately need to attract replacements. This is about YOU. Now more than ever, you need to feel good about yourself, in as many ways as possible. Reconnect to your Awesomeness, if you will.

And if you look in the mirror and see yourself with dead eyes in a tired face, unwashed hair spilling over a chili-stained shirt, that’s no confidence boost whatsoever.

Spend a little time in front of the mirror. Slap on a little lipstick. Blow dry your hair the way you like it best. Wear things that make you feel comfortable but attractive. (I’ve been rocking the Snuggly Sweater look like nobody’s business this month.)

7 ADOPT THE I-PERSPECTIVE ASAP. Stop saying ‘we’, start saying ‘I’. The longer you’ve been together, the harder it is, which is why you need to start practicing with this straight away. Train your I-sentences. No more “we liked this” or ‘we used to do this’. It’s “I like turtles” or “I do really weird shit on the Internet”.

Plus, look at things from the I-perspective too. What do I want to do, tonight, tomorrow, next month or next year? Really reason from your own ambitions and desires and do exactly whatever the fuck YOU want to do.

winning the break up 2

Lol.

OK BYE.

Leave a Reply

29 comments

  1. OMG I like turtles too!

    Ik geloof overigens dat ik nog nooit een break-up heb gewonnen, mihh. Alles waarvan je zegt ‘beter niet’: been there done that.

    Anyhow, ik blijf t bewonderenswaardig vinden hoe je hiermee omgaat. #winning #tigerblood

  2. Mooi artikel! Het is inderdaad moeilijk om op zulke momenten goed voor jezelf te zorgen, maar zooo belangrijk! Ben ook blij om op instagram te zien dat je goed voor jezelf zorgt! Ik hoop dat het steeds iets minder moeilijk wordt. XXX

  3. Wow. Ik ben meestal een stille lezer, maar ik wilde je toch even laten weten dat ik het echt ontzettend knap vind hoe goed je met de break-up omgaat. Ik heb de post net doorgestuurd naar een vriendinnetje dat in dezelfde situatie zit en ze was er heel blij mee. Als er iemand deze break-up wint, ben jij het wel ;).

  4. Is this serious? Je relatie is voorbij?! Niet dat ik je ooit ontmoet heb, niet dat ik recentelijk hier nog ben geweest om ff bij te lezen (shame on me), maar zeker ben ik geschokt 😉 (niet dat mijn mening er verder toe doet haha) Ik lach altijd zo hard om jou insta posts en jullie geweldig “romantische” foto’s. Maar hey, that’s life. En you rock. Als ik me ooit weer eens zo voel, pak ik deze post er bij. Now go drink some champagne, you deserve it!

  5. you cutie! you look adorable and you seem to be dealing with this like a pro. i’m extremely impressed and inspired by your skills and only hope to deal this gracefully when my heart gets broken next. hugs!

  6. You rock! Even though this must be a hard(!) time for you, you MUST be ok in the end because; You are funny, wise, respectful to other but mostly; you seem very kind to yourself. Which is why i totally like your blog. It really helped me taking myself way less serious in some ways, and way more serious in things that are actually important:) Take care. Love Margot

  7. En de award voor de tofste powervrouw gaat naar…. Rianne!!

    You really rock! Petje af voor de manier waarop je dealt met dit soort dingen. Ik wou dat ik dat kon!
    En Milou heeft gelijk: je hoeft nu de wijn en het ijs niet meer te delen! 😉

  8. 1 ding wat jij overduidelijk nooit zal verliezen: jezelf. Zelfs in moeilijke tijden ben je nog hilarisch. You’re awesome!

  9. Ik volg je blog nog maar kort maar wat heb ik een bewondering voor jouw. Ik vind het heel erg knap hoe jij met je break-up om gaat, je bent vast een grote inspiratiebron voor mensen die nu in een zelfde soort situatie zitten. Die W zal spijt krijgen dat hij je heeft laten lopen 😉

  10. Dank voor de link hiernaar in je artikel van gisteren, het is ineens heel dichtbij gekomen nu sinds gisteren mijn relatie van acht jaar over is. (kijk, die tip vanuit ‘ik’ en ‘mijn’ perspectief pak ik al op).
    Wat is dit verschrikkelijk, en dan is het nog maar net begonnen. Het helpt mij heel erg om te weten dat jij en anderen hier ook doorheen zijn gegaan en dat het uiteindelijk weer ‘goed’ komt. Thank you!

  11. Ik had nooit gedacht dit artikel nog eens op te zoeken maar ik blijk ‘m nu toch nodig te hebben. Maar wat is het fijn om te lezen, dankjewel. Even opslaan in m’n favorieten voor de komende tijd.

    1. Ah Hedwig…that sucks. Sorry to hear, ik hoop dat je er een beetje okay doorheen komt. Mailbox is altijd open <3