(Enter exasperated sound here.)
Look, not that having my plethora of issues and first world problems on-line for the entire world to see isn’t super-appealing or whatever, but it can be distilled into a few simple sentences we probably have all thought about ourselves at one point or another:
I am disappointed.
In myself. In who I am or better said, who I am not (yet). I feel like this half assed, average version of what I am supposed to be. I know I am being dramatic. I know I have crazy ridiculous standards I hold myself against**. I know my current mood is a huge influence on my dramatics. But it’s how I feel anyway. Brain chemistry 1 – Rationalization 0.
As anyone who knows me is well aware of, I have the attention span of a coke fed gerbil. I let that attention-span rule me a little too much — I find everything in life incredibly distracting and let it distract me up to a point where I don’t even know where I am anymore. And a few weeks ago I landed back where I am. I looked around, something snapped awake, and snapped at me:
“Really? Really, Li? Is this it? You’re a twenty-something writer who teaches part-time, you do some yoga and you write fluffy self help articles on the Internet. Big whoop. …What happened to you and your big goals and dreams? Are you really this average person with a big nose***?”
So, this realization on top of just a general sense of dissatisfaction and a few setbacks kind of sent me down into a further fit of detachment and despair.
Which is unlike me. For one thing, I am usually that positive nut job that gets really happy over a double latte, the smell of rain and all that nonsense. That usually helps me bounce back quickly. For another, I am quite literally a walking, talking database of everything self help and self development****. You know I love the point of “you have to use what you know before it works” and I am a very, very good example of this right now. All this knowledge has been unsuccessful in kicking my own ass back into my normal patterns and back into the flow.
Thusfar, at least. Because as these past weeks passed, I realized two things.
First, being disappointed in myself sucks. Being disappointed in yourself, for whatever reason, big or small, is a burden. But not one you can’t lift, not one you can’t get rid of. Whether it is by correcting past mistakes or by being better, there is something you can do about it.
Second, desperate times? Desperate measures. It’s gonna feel about as natural as icefishing on Mars, but I am going to Rambo my way through this fucking crisis. There is one thing that improves my life no matter what. Time to put some action-hero mentality back into the game.
*I AM TURNING 25 IN A FEW WEEKS AND I’M TAKING IT LIGHTLY, CAN’T YOU TELL.
**Which is usually a good thing because nobody gets anywhere by raising the bar to medium.
***As those of you who follow me on Instagram know, it’s national Nose Joke Week. Enjoy.
****When I people give me advice, I just want to scream “YES I KNOW I READ 23 BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT PLEASE STOP TALKING BEFORE I PUNCH YOU”