Do’s and Don’ts of Asking Someone Out!

 Love, Relationships, Self Help Hipster's Advice  7 Responses »
Feb 212013
 

I find dating and mating rituals of the human species fucking fascinating, don’t you?

I myself have been out of the game for a long time, I’ve been with Manfriend for almost 2,5 years now. But once upon a time, dear reader, I was capable of brutal honesty as well as cunning manipulation in romance to get into people’s hearts, pants or both. Both strategies occasionally got me in trouble, but a lot of the time I just got what I wanted.

Now, happily involved with Manfriend thanks to some matchmaking and brutal honesty, I now just shamelessly observe other people’s dating lives*. It’s daytime television, but in real life. What is my favorite thing to watch is how it takes FOREVER for people to take action upon liking someone.

Which I get. There are few things more terrifying than asking out a person you like. For one thing, you put yourself in a very vulnerable position. You’re saying “HEY – I’D DO YOU” in a more politically correct way. Second, it’s possible they don’t feel the same way (for whatever reason) and that’s always shit. We want the people we like to like us back.

But, asking out a person you like is also really awesome. A) You teach yourself it’s good to ask for what you want B) you give someone else a huge compliment by showing them you think they are so doable lovely that you are willing to ask them out, and C) …they could say ‘yes’.

Now because of all of my slut dating LIFE experience, I figured out a few do’s and don’ts to keep in mind when you like someone and thinking of ‘pursuing them’ (in a non-restraining order kind of way).

DON’T

  • Do not rush things like you’re some sort of Belieber Tween who’s spotted a Bieber look-a-like to**. Dip your toes in the potential swimming pool before you dive in. Get to know the guy or girl in front of you first, beyond their great hair or their beautiful eyes.

DO

  • Pay attention to how they respond to you. Now is the best time to keep your antennae out for social cues. Nothing you need a decoder or analysis team for, just the simple things. Eye contact, smiles, interest in your life, body language, stuff like that. See if it feels like there is something there.

DON’T

  • Do not expect them to be THE ONE just because. It’s a strain on whatever you and this person might become, whether it’s just the casual date, short term fling, partner, great friends or eventual booty call potential. It’s best to keep all your fairytale fantasies on the shelf for the first bit.

DO

  • Instead, just establish a connection with the person in front of you. That’s hard, I know — we tend to impose our romantic ideas and notions on the person in front of us, but instead just be genuine with the person in front of you. Be open, make jokes, make the other person feel good without any expectations and be selfless with them. It’s a good look.

DON’T

  • When you do feel a click with this person and you decide you really want to get closer, don’t hatch an elaborate scheme for any of that. Don’t come up with a dumb ass reason to get someone’s number, don’t pretend to hang out somewhere you know they come all the time in the hopes you will see them, don’t get all complicated.

DO

  • Keep it simple. How hard is it, really? “You want to have a drink after work?”, “Can I have your number?” or “I want to go see that movie, you wanna come?” Such short sentences should be able to be uttered with relative ease.
  • Be honest and clear, even in this first stage. You think he’s beautiful? Fucking tell him you think he’s beautiful! You would like to take him to your favorite sushi place? Fucking tell him and ask him if he wants to check it out with you! People underestimate how flattering it is to hear stuff like that. If you sincerely think or feel something positive about them, they deserve to know. They might take it to heart for the rest of their life, in a good way, even if your dating never goes anywhere.

DON’T

  • When you’re not sure what’s going on in their head, when you can’t really figure out what is going on or when you haven’t heard from them in a while: Don’t freak out. Don’t spend your days checking your phone or e-mail, don’t start de- and reconstructing everything they do to find some sort of clue, basically: don’t get obsessive. Instead, focus on the other things you have going on in your life and trust that if you need to know something, they will tell you or the silence will eventually speak for itself.
  • DON’T get passive-agressive about it. No emails or texts with “Soooo….are you on a mission to outer space? You know, since you didn’t call? Jackass?” and no snippy behavior when you run into them. You are better than that.

DO

  • Feel absolutely free to ask about what you want to know. “So, did you have a good time on our date?” and “You want to do it again sometime?” and possibly “Did I do something wrong?” when they don’t contact you. If you want to know something, never be afraid to ask.
  • Be honest about how you feel as well, no matter what the other party might think or feel. “I had a good time.” and “I think you’re awesome/doable.”  and “If you want to and are available, I’d love to see you again next weekend.” People seem to have this aversion against being vulnerable and honest, but I say ‘fuck it’. Life’s too short to play games. Even if you don’t get what you want, at least you are a sincere badass that saves time by being direct.
  • If things are going well, be considerate in terms of pace and affection. Be attentive to how the other person is feeling and how they like to proceed. Nothing wrong with knowing what you want, but it shouldn’t go against what the other person might want.

And that’s about all the opinions I have about that. I hope you have a happy love life, whether it’s single, dating here and there or a relationship, being happy is the most important thing — with or without another person.

*I’m sorry but if you’re going to either obnoxiously flirt or fight in public as a couple I have my fucking eye on you. Don’t like it, take it private.  

**I also find Beliebers very fascinating. 

My Annoying Love Stuff Advice.

 Love  11 Responses »
Jan 292013
 

Lately I have been getting quite some requests for advice on like, Love Stuff. Which is funny because I am actually not very loveydovey when it comes to Love Stuff advice.

BUT. The fact that I am not really the right person to ask Love Stuff Questions actually makes me a great person to ask Love Stuff Questions to. Paradox alert. I am harsh, pragmatic and a tiny bit judgmental when it comes to your matters of the heart, which makes me an excellent neutral party. Especially considering the fact that I do get it. You like the guy. Or you love the guy. It’s hard.

BUT. I actually don’t give a fuck about your “..But he’s sensitive” and “He is usually really nice” and “He’s way different when we are together.” I don’t take into account your extensive history together. Zero fucks are given about his complicated personality and every other possible issue, complication or circumstance. Zero. Here’s why.

First of all, let’s go in the begin stage of Love stuff. When I talk about Starting Out Love Stuff I am referring to the “Will He Call”, “Does He Like Me”, and “Is He Serious” of it all. Always a fun nerve wrecking stage, right?

Love Stuff like that? Actually not so complicated. We just (try to) see what we want to see. Our feelings, both our love for a person as our need for them to love us back, are clouding our judgment. Most of the time the facts are super-straight forward: We just don’t want to see it.

Here’s the deal. 90% of all ambiguity in his behavior towards you, you perceive. You are creating it for yourself. The sign is actually “He’s not (that) into you”. Sorry. You just don’t want that to be the scenario and therefore do some extensive analyses on whatever is available. Sorry. Again. But if someone sleeps around, ignores your messages for days, is a dick to you or simply seems not very excited about the romantic developments. you’re dealing with a boy who isn’t (that) into you.

And you can analyze his texts until your brain spins, obsess and talk to your friends until they block you on Facebook and execute tactics like you’re in a fucking teen movie, but we at Love Stuff Forecasts foresee No Happily Ever After with a chance of Failure.

In Love Stuff like this, but also when you’re in a relationship (of sorts), I recommend you stop taking his excuses for whatever he’s doing (to you) as valid. Instead, disregard your own feelings, take a step back and actually observe his behavior more neutrally. And remember: If he acts like a dick, he is a dick.

If he is in a relationship with someone else but fucks you on the side? Dick.

If he bootycalls you during the weekend but you hear nothing from him during the week? Dick*.

If he flirts with you when you’re alone but treats you badly when you’re in a group? Dick.

Enough commitment to hang out with you, sex you up and claim you but doesn’t want a relationship with you because of his commitment issues**? Dick.

Breaks up with you but continues to have sex with you? Dick.

Treats you badly because of his emotional issues, stress at work or previous relationships? Dick dick dick.

Now, two techniques to look at this differently:

1. If it was your best friend who was with this dude, in your situation. How would you feel about this guy and what would you recommend and encourage her to do? Would you want your best friend to be with a guy like yours?

2. How you let other people treat you sends a message to how you think and feel about yourself. Take a moment to appreciate that. How your boy(s) treat you, what they say to you and what they do, how they make you feel: What sort of conclusions can you draw from that?

Besides, and this is an argument your (grand)mother might use on you all the time: BOYS ARE NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. While the maternal women in your life might claim it’s ‘education’ or ‘career’ or ‘family’, I’m telling you that it’s YOU. You are the most important and constant thing in your life. You should treat YOU as such. Not the guy you like or love right now.

But when we have feelings for someone we forget that and we make how they feel about us and what they think about us*** the most important thing in our lives, which creates mindfuckery, obsession, wrong assumptions and clouded judgements. Occasionally this can take us to really dark places.

However. After being so harsh about everything, it’s time for the hippie aunt part of the article: I believe that you can wholeheartedly, passionately and truly love someone without putting up with their shit. Love does not equal having to take everything from someone. Sometimes love is actually letting go. Sometimes love, real love, life changing love, is looking beyond attachment and romantic notions and letting love just be love: A feeling you have for a person, nothing more, nothing less.

You can love someone without being with them. Love the guy all you want, just don’t do something stupid with it like letting someone who doesn’t know how to deal with that rule or ruin your life! You can love someone and make the decision not to be with them because it’s not good for you.

I love some of my ex-boyfriends, in a way. I don’t want to be with them (and most sure as hell don’t want to be with me), but I do love them. I think of them with positivity, gratitude and affection. After all, they helped me become who I am now AND they put up with my shit in the past. They loved me well for however long a time: That’s something to be grateful for.

Another good way to look at relationships is as assignments. Gabrielle Bernstein actually writes brilliantly about that. This person you chose to be with or fall in love with is a reflection of something in you or your life that needs work in an area. Or this person is a lesson you need to learn. There is wisdom to be found in your relationships.

For example, my first boyfriend taught me that sometimes the biggest act of love is leaving someone alone. I kept breaking his heart. After the millionth time of me running back to him and then changing my mind again****, he asked me to stay away forever and I did. It was hard but I did it. I loved him enough to give him that. I still love him enough to give him that.

Another boyfriend taught me how to how to truly be considerate of your partner. Another one taught me the value of honesty and loyalty, and my soulmate taught me how to love unconditionally — That last one especially was lifechanging. Now (casually  sidestepping what a total tramp I was from 15 to 21), as you can see I learnt a lot from my relationships with them and my love for them.

So. My hippe advice to you would be to realize that love isn’t so much always about the actions and romantic attachment, It’s way more a feeling you cherish for someone, regardless of circumstance. You want to love him? Love him. Love is a feeling. Also, relationships are lessons. Allow them to teach you things.

And I know it’s hard. We want to be liked, loved, to be found attractive and doable and all that jazz. But if you don’t float the boat of this one guy, well fine! His loss! Go find someone whose boat you can rock!

*Unless the arrangement is fine with you, in which case: Bang on!

**Most of the time, not wanting to commit is specifically not to you. Sometimes it’s not to anyone. Either way it’s fucking bullshit.

***While actually, you can totally like and even love someone without that really being relevant. I can totally keep doing my own thing while being (un)romantically crazy about another person. And I have often liked or loved people without the need for validation or affection in return. I had a coworker that I silently adored. I think very affectionately about an acquaintance who might not even remember my name. How they feel or felt about me is not as important, it’s how I feel about them that mattered!  

****My issues were no excuse. I acted like a dick, hence I was a dick. 

The Art of Forgiveness

 Forgiveness, Love, The Art Of  9 Responses »
May 162012
 

There are basically two schools of thoughts when it comes to forgiveness. The first one is that it is holy and divine, and we should totally do it. Because we’re nice people. Because we’re supposed to if we’re those nice people we think we are. Because holding grudges is for the Regina Georges of the world or an episode of Gossip Girl.

The second school of thought is that if someone really really fucks you over, you should not forgive them. Not now, not ever. Because they did something awful to you that hurt you really badly. And to remind yourself and them that once upon a time, they behaved horribly and that this is not forgotten.

I understand both, but I didn’t really understand what forgiveness truly was about until someone broke my heart a couple of years ago. While I was getting over it, I convinced myself I should never ever forgive him. In my opinion, there needed to be someone in the world saying “What you did is not okay and I hold you accountable (oh and you’re a dick because of it).” There needed to be a message out in the Universe that wasn’t okay with the way he had treated me. I felt responsible to be that message.

…And then I realized I had more important things to do.

Because forgiving people is not necessarily about them and relieving them of some sort of burden you feel they should have. They might carry that burden with them even when you tell them you’ve forgiven them. They might feel no remorse whatsoever even without your forgiveness. It is not always about them, but it is always about you. Forgiving other people for their mistakes and what they did to you is always best for you, no matter what effect it might have on someone else.

It should be obvious why, but it’s not so let’s talk you through it: You are the one who is most bothered by being angry and vengeful and upset. Nobody else. You. You have to deal with those thoughts, those feelings, that pain. The tightening in your chest whenever you hear their name. That train of thought and those trips down memory lane of how awful it all was. The obsessing and blaming and frustration and anger.

Face it. You are never going to feel your best until you can let go of all that. And even if you feel you have to wait for them to crawl across broken glass and beg for your forgiveness, that moment the forgiveness is still going to have to come from you. But why wait for that moment? It might never come and you’ll be stuck feeling angry and upset. Do you really want that? Why not just cut out the middle man? Why not just do it?

When you let go (or at least work on letting go), that makes you feel better. That makes you lighter, happier. The fact that you‘re going to feel better should be reason enough to practice forgiveness whenever you can.

Do not mistake this forgiveness for that shitty condescending air of “I’ve forgiven you so I am better than you”. That’s not forgiveness, that’s Holier-Than-Thou-But-Secretly-Not-Really. Neither is it the no-backbone ‘it’s okay you treated me terribly let’s just forget about it completely let me get you a sandwich’ type of attitude where you still secretly feel bad, inferior and queazy. That is bullshit.

Forgiveness is ‘hey, you hurt my feelings, I wish you hadn’t, but let’s get past it for the sake of our lives’. Forgiveness is loving yourself enough to let yourself be happy, no matter what someone else might have done in your past. You’ll really be happier when you let go of grudges, forgive the ones who have hurt you and if you can, appreciate what you learnt from them.

There is more to life than standing around with a red sign over your head saying “MY EX WAS A DICK TO ME AND THAT IS NOT OKAY .” Or “THAT ONE GIRL I MET THAT ONE TIME IS SECRETLY A TOTAL BITCH AND THAT IS NOT OKAY”. You can calm the fuck down,  just say ‘that really was not okay’ and still just move on. Because just like me, you have more important things to do than to be mad.

Forgive for you. Because it is good for you. Because it let’s you move on and because it makes you feel happy. Because it focuses you on your future, the positive things in your life. You’re not living this life for anyone but yourself, and the world does not need you plotting revenge because someone stabbed you in the back. The world needs you to be your most wonderful self. And if I can hardly combine it with a social life & laundry, I am pretty sure you won’t be able to balance that shit with your personalized WWIII. So let go. Choose forgiveness.

 

Manifesting A Lover: The Showdown.

 How to, Law of Attraction, Love, Uncategorized  15 Responses »
Apr 272012
 

How do I attract a boyfriend? I’ve been asked this question a few times now, and for good reason. We all want romance in our lives, no? Romance adds that flicker of glamour, gives us something to hope for, makes us glow and giggly  and let’s not forget…love is the most powerful thing in the Universe. Romantic love, ah l’amour? One of the most spectacular, complex and strong things we will ever face in our existence.

But maybe it hasn’t happened for you yet. Maybe it has happened but ended: sizzling out or ended in crushing heartbreak. In both cases: hugs. And maybe it has happened, but it just wasn’t it, you know? Whatever the reason, you’re not in a romantic love relationship. You’re single, but you’d really really really like to (finally) experience a romantic love. Do you want to attract a partner? Fine. Let’s get to it.

First thing you do, I don’t care if you’re 16, 26 or 46. If you want this to work you’re going to work on this first. And I’m never this Drill Instructor-Like but I need to make a point. This is a big deal. Here’s what I need you to do: Chill the fuck out.

Because He* is on his way. Your angst, stress and worrying whether or not your cat is going to eat your face when you die is an unnecessary waste of time. He’s out there having breakfast, playing video games with his friends, working out (hopefully – good for the yum-factor) doing awesome things, doing fucked up shit, figuring out who he is and hopefully being respectful to his parents.

So please. Picture him as a cute but faceless person with a bow-tie wrapped around him stuck in a delivery van. Visualize him in a cute gift basket on top of a moving band conveyor, ready to be sorted and shipped. Imagine him in wrapping paper, being carried towards the right transport vehicle for transport. He’s coming. Really. Let it go. That way we can get to the good part.

What do you want, relationship & partnerly speaking? Do you want someone for an easy summer fling? Do you want a partner for a long-term relationship? Do you want someone who is laidback or someone who is ambitious? Do you want someone who is independent or who shows he needs you? Do you want a rational or a spiritual person? Figure out what you want from both your relationship and the qualities you’d like your partner to have.

Side note: Even though you’d like your prospective partner is nice on the eyes, I’d refrain from filling out a detailed description of how they look for two reasons. One, he may have kick ass cheek bones but those cheek bones won’t make you breakfast in the morning. He might have abs, but those abs are nothing to enjoy if the poor darling has commitment issues. Second, chances are if the person has everything you could ever hope for in a partner, you’re going to be smitten however he looks. Seriously.

There are more important things. And beauty comes in so many forms, why don’t just trust the Universe on that one? If you want him to be cute, he will be cute. Plus, if he’s beautiful on the inside, he’s going to be beautiful to you on the outside too. Inner beauty seeps through, whether you believe me (now) or not.

Is there room for this new love affair? No, seriously. Do you cram your schedule full where you can barely breathe? Do you throw yourself into work or friends or working out to distract yourself? Do you try not to think about your love life because you are unhappy with it?

However you want to do this is up to you, but there has to be a corner of your life, room, heart and mind free for your prospective partner. I wrote about it here as well, but a little reminder: when you believe it’s coming, you gotta act the part a little.

This can be as small or as big as you want. I’ve read about a girl who kept her Friday nights as dates with herself so that they could turn into Friday Night Date Nights with her boyfriend. I’ve read about a women who cleared out space in her garage (for his car), in her closet (for his clothes) and who started sleeping on one side of the bed (for him to sleep on the other side).

I personally did less dramatic things: I wasn’t actively looking, but when I was single I would write love letters to my future boyfriend in a notebook. And when I was trying on clothes I would imagine if the future boyfriend would like what I had on. If I saw cool things to do, I made a mental note of “I’d like to do that with a future boyfriend”. Without really caring, that was my way of ‘inviting’, if you will.

Figure out in what way you can create room for him, however tiny a change.

This is kind of point #1, but it’s a big fucking deal so I’m going to say it again. Have a little faith, trust your loving&healthy&functional relationship is on its way and go do something else. No reason to sit still until that moment finally arrives, right?

In the mean time, take care of your health, your friendships, your family, your career, your self development. Learn to cook**, join a debate team, go to a shitload of movies, whatever. Have fun and enjoy everything your life already has. There’s a lot more to do in life than wait for a partner to enrich your life. If you enrich your own life right now, imagine how cool you’re going to be (even cooler than you already are, I can’t even?!) How impressive that will be to Prince Charming! How many cool things you can have to talk about!

So there you have it. Trust that it’s coming: I know it’s difficult, but I’m still asking you to try. Figure out exactly what you want and don’t want (without obsessing over his looks), make sure to be inviting him into your life with some sort of action and again…make sure to take excellent care of yourself and your life because you know what, you are important. With or without a partner.

Happy men hunting and have a fantastic weekend. ;-)

*If you’re a girl who likes girls or a boy who likes girls or a anything who likes anything, just replace the ‘he’ with whatever works for you from this point forward.

**Feeding the person you love: If you can do it well, they’re hooked. Trust me. No offense to feminism or anything, that’s just the way it is. 

Law of Attraction & The Lonely Hearts Club

 Law of Attraction, Love, Relationships  6 Responses »
Mar 312012
 

 

I understand The Law of Attraction meets skepticism and scrutiny. The usual criticism is that getting things take more than just ‘manifesting’ and you can have a bit of bad luck. Well, yes. But if you think the Law of Attraction is just wanting it really badly and sitting on your ass you should read my other articles again. Or any other book on the subject for that matter.

But there is a different cry of complaint too, in a more specific area. Those of the people who really want love, who really want to be in a relationship, and somehow haven’t been so lucky just yet.

“I really want a boyfriend, but it’s not happening! What am I doing wrong? I’ve wanted a great partner for years, done it all and it never happened! I’m still lonely! How come the Law Of Attraction hasn’t worked for me in finding a partner yet?!“

I don’t have the answer to that question. The reasons why the Law of Attraction hasn’t come through for you in this area are usually very specifically related to who you are and the way you think&feel. I could spend a hundred articles speculating about it, and still not make a point useful to you.

But there are a few basics we can cover together. In the end the blocks are for you to solve, but that doesn’t mean I can’t guide you a little. After all, I have a lot of love for you!

I totally understand why you want a relationship. It’s great fun and can be a great source of happiness. I mean, you’re no longer responsible for your own orgasm: what’s not to love about that?

It will be a great addition to your life, but it will not complete you*. It will be nice, but it won’t magically transform your life*. You will be completely the same, you’ll just be you with a boyfriend or girlfriend*.

You should not postpone your happiness for anything. The more you let your idea you should have a boyfriend get in the way of your happiness, the lousier you will feel and the longer it will take.

A big, big problem with manifesting a partner is that it comes from a place of loneliness. You feel alone, and that’s why you want a partner. But the feeling of loneliness gets in the way of the partner: it’s the main thing you’re feeling about it and probably overrules all your good work.

But you don’t have to be lonely without a partner. You can surround yourself with great, beautiful people who make you happy, without the whole intercourse-and-meeting-the-parents thing. Sure, it’s different, but the more you bask in the glory of interpersonal relationship in general, the better.

You can love and be happy in all your relationships, not just the one you think you’re supposed to have that’s just not there yet. 

The more you focus on how your life lacks a romantic partner, the more energy flows towards that idea -and the manifestation of that in real life: you not having a partner. Try to let go as much as you can. You don’t lack anything. You have love and relationships and happiness. The romantic love will come.

At the same time: create space in your life for that partner.It’s a little play-pretend, but it’s fun to do –and it works. This can be as simple as writing little love notes you intend to give to your boy- or girlfriend one day. Or passing the park and thinking: ‘I’d like to have a picnic here with my lover during the summer’. You can even clear one night a week out of your schedule because you intend to make this Date Night when you’re in a relationship, just to get used to it. Until you’re in a relationship, you can treat yourself and have a You-Date Night until it comes a We-Date Night.

This is not creating an imaginary boyfriend. This is prepping your world for him so that he fits in it when he shows up.

I don’t know about you, but whenever somebody talks to me with the sole purpose of getting something from me, I try to get away as soon as possible. That interaction is tainted by what one person wants. The more they want it, the more uncomfortable it is for the other person.

It can be the same when you really want love: you’re just looking for your romantic partner whenever you’re engaging in social situations. And instead of really seeing who you’re dealing with, you project your image of what you hope they are onto them. This usually ends with disappointment.

To prevent this from happening, just focus on getting to know people without judgement or personal gain. Just enjoy your time with people, communicate honestly and openly and learn from whatever you find. This will definitely aid your way towards that relationship you want.

Of course it comes down to focusing on love and allowing. Easier said than done, but not impossible. Thing is, you’re on your own personal journey to him or her. And they’re on their way to you too. They can come in any package. And I am absolutely certain you will appreciate the hell out of each other when the time comes. Never give up.

*For those interested, this also applies to being thin.

Love: Brotherly & Romantically

 Connecting, Love, Relationships  No Responses »
Mar 232012
 

The Course In Miracles* teaches to ‘make our brotherly relationships (friendships) more romantic and our romantic relationships more brotherly’. Gabby Bernstein talks about this in Spirit Junkie and I related to this on a very personal level.

There’s a certain romantic type of attentiveness that every relationship fares well by. A text message to let someone know you think about them, a funny card or the occasional gift, and of course the expression of affection. Over the last couple of years I’ve learnt to truly appreciate this as well as practice it. I’m getting increasingly good at it and I notice that my social circle represents a group of people who are getting increasingly good at it too –if they’re not already wickedly awesome! This way you create a network full of people that lift each other up, that inspire and support each other beyond just hanging out together in bars.

And there is a brotherly way in which I deal with the man I love. When I was younger, I believed I had to be everything for my boyfriend, all he ever wanted. But that I’m all he ever wanted in a girlfriend doesn’t mean I’m all he’s ever wanted from life. In fact, it’d be pretty depressing if my man had no other wishes and great things in his life but me, right?!

So I respect the way he feels and thinks at all times. I notice when he’s preoccupied or busy, and leave him be with a kiss on his forehead and a ‘see you when I see you’ kind of attitude. I understand he wants to spend time with his friends; I demand a good night kiss and tell him to have fun. When he tells me he wants to travel because he feels like he’s missing out on something, I accept this because it does not mean he wants me any less, he just wants additional other things. And I want those things for him to. I accept him for everything he is, even if that is different from me.

Add more romance to your friendships and more friendship to your romances. Both will benefit.

*Course in Miracles is a metaphysics self-study thing I’m trying to look into. Empathis on trying. 

The 5 Love Languages: Become a Five-Lingual.

 Love, Relationships  5 Responses »
Mar 152012
 

(This article was originally intended to appear on Evolyfe, but they’re doing some restructuring so I’m posting it here. The Self Help Book Top 5 will continue tomorrow as planned!) 

Showing how much you love someone  can be done in countless different ways. Following them home, wearing their blood in a vile around your neck, sitting on their bed in the middle of the night eating a popsicle…

Oh no, wait. That’s stalking. Don’t get those two mixed up: go with love. It involves more actual positive feelings and less restraining orders. But…Love can also be expressed in lots of different ways! Doctor Gary Chapman, a smart man, wrote a book about the different ways and it was called the 5 Languages of Love. It is brilliant in its simplicity: according to the book we communicate our love through 5 different ‘languages’:

Words

Compliments, words of praise and encouragement, saying ‘I Love You’. This also includes expressing that we miss them, that they are beautiful and that they are important to us.

Touch

This isn’t (just) about sexy time, but about intimacy and showing affection through physical contact, such as hugs, kisses, holding hands, sitting close to each other and cuddling.

Gifts

Gift giving is about the attentiveness and thoughtfulness more than it is about the actual stuff. By giving gifts, however small or big, we can express that we love them, because we have been paying attention to what they like, what they love to have. They can see that we listen. Because they may have mentioned something a long time ago: we remembered and we acted upon it.

Time

Spending time together, making time for your partner, is another way to communicate your devotion to your partner. This could include going on dates,a quiet night in with just the two of you, or a lazy rainy Sunday to spend in bed together.

Service

Service entails doing things for the person you love in terms of choirs and helping them out. This might be picking them up from work, helping them with laundry, making them breakfast or coffee or assisting them on a difficult work project.

So: This theory not only offers how you could show people you love them, but also why relationships can suffer: when the feeling of not being loved creeps in. And this can happen because we use different languages! It’s taking a wrong approach in how we express our love that the other person doesn’t interpret as a sign of love. That’s where miscommunication starts!

For example: Jimmy and Jane. Meet Jimmy, who treats Jane to delicious home cooked dinners, and who keeps bringing her tea and cookies while they’re watching bad Spanish telenovela’s together (he’s speaking in Service). Meet Jane, who rubs Jimmy’s feet and wants to hold hands when they walk (she’s speaking in Touch). After a few months, Jane just wants Jimmy to sit down and relax with her (she wants Time) and Jimmy doesn’t understand why Jane never says ‘I Love You’ (he wants Words). They can’t correctly interpret each other’s Love Languages that they speak (Service and Touch), because they show their love in different ways. They also believe their partner should show love in a certain way (Time and Words). This may result in a lot of frustration and confusion for Jane and Jimmy!

So if you’re a Jane or a Jimmy, how do you prevent this from happening?

First off: Become a Love Five Lingual. Start implementing all five. You can favor one or two, but by using them all you make damn sure the message is bound to come through loud and clear through one of the languages.

Now, find out what languages your partner seems to favor. What makes them happiest? What results in them being all grateful and gooey-eyed? Experiment and do more of it. Your relationship will surely benefit.

Also, let your partner know what languages you favor. Is it the ‘You’re so gorgeous’ when you are all dressed up? Is it the back rub after a long day in the office? Or is it spending a day together at the beach when the sun is out? When you know what makes you feel loved more than anything else, let them know. You can tell them straight forward (which is always a good idea) or you can show extra gratitude and affection when they do something that makes you feel loved.

(some ideas..)

 What I love about this approach is that it basically teaches you how to show love to everyone around you through different channels. It’s also applicable to everyone you care about in your life. Your lovers, but also your friends, family members, siblings, children, even co-workers and employees.

What is your primary Love Language? When do you feel most loved?