(This article appeared on Evolyfe before, but since that concept is long gone I wanted to share it on my own website. Originally written in Januari this yar, but still relevant, to all relationships.)

I believe in connections between two people. In lovers, in friends, in family members, in people who are close. I have this crazy, wicked thing with my best friend where I can tell if she’s happy or sad, if she’s emotionally open or closed. I can feel it even if she’s across the Atlantic.

Connections can be more easily established with some than others, but by making contact with someone you turn a connection ‘on’. Everything you do to invest in the other person, making them feel safe and loved, will further strengthen the connection. Loving someone, and especially falling in love is like infusing that connection with an electric power chord.

Connecting with another person is one of the most beautiful things in our lives. And whereas a big part of creating, strengthening and deepening this connection is a two-man job, I have found two strategies to make a connection deeper, fix an (underlying) issue in a relationship, or simply to improve the current connection, all on your own.

Because I’ve found that a lot of the stuff that goes on in my interpersonal relationships is stuff that’s actually going on inside me. Call that Freudian or a little cookoo, I know that my relationships reflect parts of myself and how I choose to deal with things. Therefore I know I can personally fix a lot of interpersonal shit without needing to include or bother the other person. Hence, this article.

MEET JIMMY. HE’S GOING TO MY EXAMPLE THROUGHOUT THE ARTICLE.

Telephathic Strategies.

I’d be the first to say that actual telepathic communication is probably not going to happen between me and Jimmy. I’d never rule it out completely, simply because there are processes both in the brain and the outside world I don’t know anything about, but up until this point Jimmy never called me up after with the ten items on the grocery list I just telepathically faxed him. However, the strategy still works. Here’s what I do:

1. Whenever I want to strengthen the bond with Jimmy, because I feel close to him or want to feel closer to him, I send him love and light whenever I think of him.
2. When I haven’t seen Jimmy in a while, I send out my affection for him and an image of us hugging or having a good time. Interestingly, more often than not Jimmy calls me soon after. Never with the grocery list, though.
3. If me and Jimmy are in an argument and I’m not physically near him, I sometimes reach out with love, softness and affection to wherever he is, to assure him that I still love him, honor our connection and want to work things out.
4. Whenever I’m having trouble with Jimmy, I open up the connection and explain how I feel. When Jimmy has hurt me, I send him that the’s hurt me (without attaching a Tsunami of Anger) and when I think I have hurt Jimmy, I apologize. Rest assured I always do it in person too, but by prepping like this I feel both parties are more susceptible to solving an argument.

These strategies may not actually open up a telepathic dialogue, but it can be so good for you and your relationship to send the other person things like this.

For one thing, you open up to them mentally and emotionally; by creating that openness it becomes easier to communicate in person. Also, you may start solving issues you have that come from within and if there is anything I’ve learnt thus far is that if you can solve things inside yourself, you can solve everything outside yourself.

If you start the telepathic (or if you prefer the more sceptical term: imaginary) dialogue, you begin to figure out out how you feel, what you want, how to express yourself. Whether it gets to the other person or not, you create better, deeper connections from the inside out.

Intuitive Reasoning

I don’t really go with God, I go with Gut. Whatever my gut tells me, is usually very on point (not to mention crucial). I try to use this with every area in my life, but I have found it incredibly beneficial when it comes to my relationships as well. It’s a pretty simply strategy, really.

First (this is probably the hardest): I have to calm the fuck down. I am very human, ruled by my emotions, terrified of not being loved. Things like that can throw my intuition for loop where I basically reason from my fear and negative emotions. I need to be still before I can trust my instincts. So, I take a few deep breaths and focus on my inside. Usually that calms me down.

Now, I can do two things. One, I can just be quiet and listen to whatever comes up. The upside is that I get a lot of answers. The downside is that I don’t always know what the question was, so where to apply it can become a little too much of connect-the-dots. The other, more directed strategy is to keep a specific question in mind. Such as:

1. “What can I do to improve my relationship with Jimmy?”
2. “Why am I acting this way towards Jimmy?”
3. “What does Jimmy need?”
4. “How can I help Jimmy?”
5. “Jimmy” (keeping just the person in mind can give you a lot of information too)

And then, you just observe what happens in your head. Thoughts, feelings, images, sudden urges to do something. They’re clues, and they could be very useful. If you’re forgetful and easily distracted like I am: write that shit down. Seriously. It can make the difference between knowing something and using what you know. Whatever you’ve found, however surprising or deceivingly simply, think about it. Try to implement it. See if it’s right. Trust your gut.

By doing this, I often figured out things. Allowing more freedom between me and Jimmy, showing Jimmy more affection, sharing more of my thoughts with Jimmy, taking Jimmy on an adventure. So far, none of the things I learnt from this technique made things worse, only better.

Basically:

Whether you believe in the mechanisms behind them, these techniques can still work for you. You not only can experience a great deal of inner peace and trust in yourself when you do this you also start thinking in answers and solutions instead of ruminating on questions and problems You become an active, improvement-oriented person and your relationships will surely benefit.

Even if nothing else, it relaxes yourself and that’s always worth something. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m going to have an imaginary dialogue with Taylor “Jail Bait” Lautner and it’s not going to be suitable for children. Later!

Although I’m a total tree- and people-hugger and believe in the goodness of menkind, I fully acknowledge that there are certain people in the world who are going to drive you nuts. The crazy aunt, the rude employer, the obnoxious student in your class: there are people who are just horribly difficult to handle and they can drive you up the wall.

If you let them. But you’re not going to let them anymore. Here’s how.

1. Acting is always superior to reacting. Act from within. Do not react in response to what others say or do.

There is nothing more powerful to me than someone who acts upon their own beliefs, standards and ideas instead of responding to whatever other people throw at them. My father is amazing at this. He never loses his temper. Ever. Even when he is confronted with very rude people, he stays kind and friendly.  Because that’s who he is and who he wants to be. What other people do doesn’t matter to him, it’s what he does that matters to him.

It’s an amazing quality that will never come as naturally to me as it does to him, probably, but I did learn about the power of acting versus the weakness of reacting through him.

By acting you always keep your personal responsibility, autonomy and power, instead of giving it away by letting someone else dictate what you do when you react to them. So keep your personal power. Lashing out when provoked is understandable, but being able to withstand provocation is an honorable art and shows a lot of inner strength.

2. It’s nothing personal: you’re just operating on different frequencies

“Truth is, that person is just on another frequency than you. You subconsciously sense this; apparently this person wants other things in life than you do. That’s why you two don’t match.

By understanding this, by understanding that people live on different frequencies, everything becomes a lot less personal. It saves time, prejudice and discomfort. Someone just doesn’t operate on the same frequency as you do and that’s the way it is.Judging, gossiping or manipulating lowers your frequency.

What a waste.” Patty Harpenau – The Secret of the Secret

 Whenever you can’t get along with somebody, the smartest thing to do is to realize that even though someone may annoy you (and who knows, maybe you annoy them too), it’s not really about them (or you). It’s not personal, you’re just not compatible.

So whenever someone is being difficult, you can keep two things in mind. One, difficult people are going to be difficult everywhere. Not just while interacting with you. You don’t have to fix anything. Second, they were just not compatible with you. That doesn’t make them horrible and that doesn’t make you the new Jesus, it just is what it is: incompatibility. Nothing personal. Move on.

3. Honesty

I love radical honesty. It saves a lot of trouble, confusion, dissapointment later on and lastly, it can absolutely be done without being a dick. Anyone who says “I’m just being honest” after being a rude asshole is just a rude asshole who thinks they’ve found a good excuse.

When someone is being difficult, you can tell them so. “I don’t like that you insulted our co-worker.”. “I don’t understand why you’re so unco-operative.”. “I feel you are always looking at the negative things.”  And “I think you’re being rude to the waitress.”

However they might respond to that, that is none of your business. If you want to be honest and feel it will serve a purpose*, say what you think of the matter and let the chips fall where they may.

4. Be nice, and stay nice.

As mentioned in both 1 and 3, there is no reason for you to stoop to anyone’s level. No need for you to be provoked. You’re best off serving your own standards and being who you are. And you’re a nice person. So be nice.

In fact, if you feel they’re looking for confrontation and you really want to piss them off be so sugary sweet rainbow cake will pale in comparison. Always a good strategy.

5. Boundaries

But being nice and taking the high road does not equal being a pushover. If someone is crossing your boundaries, you stop them. You may do it nicely, but you’ll do it loud and clear. Whatever it takes. A stern look, a comment,  a loudly spoken ‘no’, walking away or taking another action: your boundaries shall not be crossed.

“I don’t believe this falls under my job description”

“Excuse me, but I believe that you’re wrong. The correct technique to do this is actually…”

“I’d very much appreciate it if you’d stop making innuendos at my expense.”

“I’m not going to sit here and listen to this.”

6. Minimize Exposure

If you can’t get rid off pests, it’s best to move elsewhere. So move away from the difficult people. Minimize the exposure as much as you can.

When your friend is being a negative nancy, pay no attention, flirt with the waiter instead and next time invite the more positive friend out for drinks. Walk out of the room whenever your horrible colleague walks in. Talk to other people at the party when the obnoxious uncle is there too.

Nobody is forcing you to hang out with anyone. If you have any personal power over your location and how much you have to deal with that difficult person, exercise it.

Remember, with all these different people you’re bound to run into a few rotten eggs, nutcases and whacked apples along the way. But fuck that: your only responsibility is to make sure you are not one of them. So keep an eye out while focusing on who you are and not how awful they might be. Good luck out there.

*Some assholes will just always stay assholes. If you feel there is room and willingness to improve, serve up the honesty and see if it helps.