8 Days Until 2014: 42/50

Photo on 2013-12-23 at 15.31 #5

I don’t know about you guys, but I am already balls-deep in the Christmas spirit.

Manfriend and I did our Christmas groceries yesterday: Pretty much nothing makes me happier than a fridge stocked with veggies and a fruit bowl that overflows with exotics. Additionally, there’s lots of champagne, prosecco, cheeses and fresh herbs in my fridge — Which makes this even better.

People are buying (and enjoying!) my e-book, which is another reason for me to rejoice. I feel the rush of gratitude and ‘DUDE I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU JUST BOUGHT MY LITTLE BOOKTHINGIE’ every single time.

I also have a lot of time on my hands right now, which I’m using to be with Manfriend and to write for myself, which is just lovely. Additionally, I have watched ALL the Lord of the Rings movies this weekend,* the Christmas tree I got Manfriend looks festive as fuck and I am very happy about the upcoming events.

Christmas eve Lin is serving Christmas dinner for G, Manfriend and me. I’m in charge of pre-dinner cocktails and none other than the GLORIOUS Mamrie Hart from You Deserve A Drink has been my inspiration for these alcoholidays.

On Christmas 1st, my mother-in-law is coming over and I will be making all sorts of delicious foods. The day after that Manfriend and I will be spending it with my family at my parents’ place. It’s basically all very cheerful and merry, which is making me all cheerful and merry.

Which reminded me of the time I was not so cheerful and merry.

I’ve carried a lot of my mistakes, disappointments and pain with me for a long time. Which is human, we tend to mull these things over and over. But after a point, that becomes unnecessary. If you’ve already learned your lessons from these things, why not just let it go completely? Free up some space?

Forgiveness is cleansing. And the hardest person to forgive is usually yourself.

So in order to go celebrate the holidays as merry and clean as possible, I decided to do an exercise to forgive myself. I did that through writing.

“Hereby, on the 23th of December 2014, I forgive myself for every moment in 2013 that I did not live up to my own expectations.

For every mistake I couldn’t avoid making and for every mistake I failed to correct.

For every time I let my self-sabotaging side get the best of me. For every time I got off track. 

I forgive myself for wallowing, for getting frustrated, for occasionally being mean, negative, petty, jealous or vindictive. I forgive myself for being weak, and pathetically human. I forgive myself for blindly falling into traps I should have been able to avoid.

I forgive myself for everyone I may have hurt in the past and will do my best not do it again. I forgive myself for disappointing myself and others. I forgive myself for letting others hurt me, and I will protect myself better. 

I especially forgive myself for being so hard on myself all the time. I forgive myself for all the impossible standards I set. I forgive that ridiculous inner drill-sergeant business I had going on for a while.  

Finally, I forgive myself for everything that I have done, accidentally, out of habit or on purpose, that proved not to be in my best interest in the end.” 

[scrapes throat awkwardly]

For me, this felt great. Liberating in a way. To just go ‘Dude, it’s okay. I got you. Let’s move on.’ and then let it go.

4250You can do this too if you like. Whether you do a short version (standing in front of the mirror and telling yourself “I forgive you”), writing it down like I did or simply meditating on forgiveness today, find a way to forgive yourself. Come to terms with your past mistakes and mishaps.

That way you’ll have more room in your heart for love and happiness and your mind has more space to be filled with the present moment and all things that have yet to come.

*THE EXTENDED VERSIONS. Do you think this is a fucking game?

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3 comments

  1. This 50 Days series makes me want to curl up and cry like a baby! :’) They’re so spot on and yet I wonder why I can’t think of these things myself. Luckily you’re do, thanks for that!

    And no, the extended versions of LOTR is no game. Serious business, just did a similar marathon myself [insert geek sign here].

  2. Mooie (en moeilijke!) opdracht, maar moet je er niet klaar voor zijn om iemand (incl. jezelf) te vergeven? Dat gevoel heb ik een beetje. Soms heb ik het nog even nodig om er even over na te denken voordat ik dat soort dingen los kan laten. Maar dat kan natuurlijk ook aan mij liggen.

    (Ik moest dus hardop lachen om ‘alcoholidays’.)